Well, the world didn’t end so I’m back to buying toilet paper in bulk.
BB, just in case, worked until midnight to make sure those last few things were finished! Gotta love that spirit. I went promptly to bed because it’s my favorite thing to do. As I was going to bed, I told BB two things in case the world ended. First, that I loved him dearly and enjoyed every minute of our life together and second, that I had no desire whatsoever to survive the end of the world so not to try and save me should the opportunity arise. Seriously, I’ve seen the movies. Who wants to survive that? Do you honestly want to live in a world with no running water or electricity, eating beans out of a can and running from bands of crazed cannibals? No thanks. I’ll go out with the nuke please.
I did spend some time thinking about the end of the world as I was going to sleep. I don’t get into the predictions, but I do believe that God wants us to live as if every day was our last. I was thinking through my life and contemplating any unfinished business I may have.
Ultimately, I fell asleep. But in the middle of the night I awoke in the middle of a vivid dream about confronting our adoption agency. Then I spent about 30 minutes going over the dream and coming up with more things I would say to them if given another opportunity. Apparently this is my unfinished business.
I think the latest obsession comes from some phone conversations with another mom about her families’ issues with One World and then also I’ve started organizing all the photos of the children to put in storage. I am sad because I so want to be over it. I desperately want to forgive and move on. I don’t want this bitterness to take root. At the same time, it’s necessary to stay in the fight. I truly think God is uniquely using me to advocate for other families and children, to educate people and to encourage change. I love it, and I’m grateful for the privilege. But it’s hard to re-live the drama over and over again.
I ended up being able to sleep once I started praying. I may not be able to quite reach forgiveness and freedom yet, but I can pray for it. God has his work cut out in softening my heart.
While it would have been nice to wake up this morning in the presence of Jesus, the Lord has other plans. There’s still work to be done and so we are still here.