I had to have a c-section. We had planned a home birth. The Lord has his own ways. Waiting to be taken into the operating room, I was the most scared I think I had ever been. I wanted to run. I had a teeny tiny glimpse of the garden prayer – Lord take this cup away from me. Nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will.
Going into the procedure, I knew that my prayer would be for humility and submission. Rather than the empowered birth I had planned, I was being called to lie down and submit. Spread out on the table, arms outstretched and strapped down, numb, tubes, completely out of control. This was the exact opposite of what we had hoped for and planned.
I was terrified of the birth – not matter how it was to happen. Everything in the pregnancy had gone well. Fred was perfect from all we could tell. The lies kept coming – it was too good to be true. It would all be taken from me.
Stuck between a truth and a lie. Truth being that God had not promised me a healthy baby, a complication-free birth, survival for another day. God is good, but he’s not safe. He makes promises, but safety, health and security are not included. How do you go into something so important without any assurance of success? How do you not fear the worst? How do you trust an unsafe and dangerous God?
I always cringe when people say things like, Jesus is my buddy, my friend, my partner. While of course there friendly aspects of Jesus, Jesus is not our equal. If I were to see him face to face, I wouldn’t run up to give him a pat on the back. I would be on my face begging for my life. He is Lord of Lord, King of Kings, nothing but complete submission and fear would be appropriate.
He wants me to hold everything with an open hand. I have no choice but to obey. The Lord gives and the Lord takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord. He is wise, and he is good. How can I not follow him?