*Not guaranteed, not easy, not always in the way you would expect.
Yep, that’s right my bloggy friends. There’s a fourth child who has yet to be identified on this blog. We’ve been keeping his identity protected for the safety of the mother and child (all those screams are hard on my hearing). The medical community is expecting Baby Bean in January. The parents are still in denial.
I found out I was pregnant in May. I had some suspicions but couldn’t bring myself to spend another $10 on a pregnancy test after losing a small fortune on them over the last six years. Luckily, I discovered an old one in a drawer on a Monday morning in May. When it was positive, I expressed my shock using some choice profanity, and BB said “is there any way you can put this out of your mind and just go to work? We can talk about it in a few weeks.” [We still haven’t talked about it.]
What the heck, God? Can I be more confused? Don’t ask me to explain it. I don’t get it. Please also don’t try to explain it to me. You don’t get it either. The only thing I can say is that you can’t put God in a box. I have learned that no matter how much I think I understand about God and his ways, it’s all a joke. His ways are so much bigger than my little baby brain can handle. I am now convinced more than ever that comparing me to God is like comparing an ant to a human. It can’t be done. No matter how much the ant tries, he will never understand the human.
We have felt every emotion possible over the past six months. We have settled into cautious joy and denial. I spent a significant time in anger and another significant period in fear.
Anger came at first because this was not my plan. I didn’t want to be pregnant. I wanted to adopt, and I was mad that God was throwing this on my plate. At the time, I thought we were going to have four kids at once, and I didn’t think I could handle that. I had spent so many years praying for a positive pregnancy test and a baby, and I thought it was cruel to give it to me after I was over it and moved on to a new plan. I felt as if God was trying to break me. I am still angry that I am another one of those stories of the person who tried to adopt and then got pregnant. I hate those stories!
I feared losing the baby. We had two previous early miscarriages. We did IVF and had 12 embryos, all of which have died. I didn’t want a thirteenth. I still battle fear that this baby will not come to be. God has not promised me a baby will be born so there is no such promise to rest on. I feared that people would think that we pulled out of the adoption because we were pregnant or that we didn’t care so much about the kids because we had our “own” baby.
Despite these strong feelings, God has given us so much mercy and grace. I have wrestled with God, and He remains faithful. [I may have a slight limp, though.] We have been overjoyed to hear the baby’s heartbeat and see him on the ultrasound. What an amazing miracle! We are striving to live in the moment and be grateful for what we have. We are so grateful to have this child right now, even though we don’t know what tomorrow holds.
A few of the details that you may be wondering. We don’t know Baby Bean’s sex, but you will see me refer to him as a him. Don’t be confused. Baby Bean is due in January 2013, which makes me about 6 months (27 weeks). I have been feeling good, and Baby Bean appears healthy and happy. No crazy morning sickness, just a little nausea at first. Starting to get uncomfortable, and I have been assured that would continue. Baby Bean moves like crazy.
The most difficult thing for me right now is that I still don’t fit in. I’m not an adoptive mom. I’m not a prospective adoptive mom. I’m no longer officially infertile. I am also not your typical expectant mother – I lack the excitement, and I have too many battle scars. I can’t handle any more anticipatory conversations and celebrations. I am once again floating somewhere in the middle of everything. I think that will always be the case, and maybe everyone feels that way to some degree.
What I don’t want is to spend anymore time wishing away the present and trying to get to the future. I want to live in the here and now because it’s all I have. Today, I am a mom to a growing baby, and it is a gloriously wonderful thing. I don’t want to worry about tomorrow because there’s enough evil to deal with today.