Dreams

I think I’ve been breaking the rules about number of serious issue posts on a blog. I’ve been in the serious for a while. So I’ll try and lighten it up a bit over here today.

Freddy is amazing. He walks, he runs, he throws things (food, toys, phones), he says “dog” and “no.” He has two molars and two more coming in. How did we get this kid??

The Rwandans are all saying I need to get busy and get him a sister. Since they don’t usually have 12 hours to sit and listen to a lecture on my life story, God’s timing, and the way that my plans are worth less than toilet paper, I usually just tell them to talk to God about it for me.

Remember those days? When I was in middle school, we used to have sleepovers and plan our weddings. We had these journals with very specific details about the groom, wedding party, music, food, honeymoon destination, our house design, and the names of our children. I usually went back and forth between two possible grooms. One of whom remains a friend and has a wonderful wife and family. My friend Steph would always marry the same person and guess what?? She’s actually married to him! My other friend just got married this past weekend, but not to my father, her chosen groom of middle school.

We really really thought those dreams were all going to come true. I can still picture the cut out from the Marshall Fields magazine of the wine colored bedspread for the master bedroom. And while Steph did marry her sweetheart, I’m pretty sure they don’t live in a 9 bedroom mansion in Colorado Springs with a jacuzzi (but if you are reading this and you do, please invite me over!!).

The way my life has turned out has been much better (overall). I never dreamed about the suffering, but the joys are much greater and much more lasting than a honeymoon to England (although, that would still be a nice trip. Maybe for an anniversary?). Sidenote: what kind of 11 year old girl dreams of a honeymoon to England? Must have already been deeply in love with Jane Austen (and a huge dork).

My friend Simone joked the other day that she pictures me on a perpetual vacation while living here, and she’s not totally wrong. My life kind of is a vacation. I live with all the comforts of the world in a quiet, safe home with my beautiful family. And it’s always sunny and 80 degrees! (Sorry Chicago.)

So, I’ll continue to dream a little because it’s fun, knowing that what God has planned is much better than my dreams.

We’re still here

Well, the world didn’t end so I’m back to buying toilet paper in bulk.

BB, just in case, worked until midnight to make sure those last few things were finished!  Gotta love that spirit.  I went promptly to bed because it’s my favorite thing to do.  As I was going to bed, I told BB two things in case the world ended.  First, that I loved him dearly and enjoyed every minute of our life together and second, that I had no desire whatsoever to survive the end of the world so not to try and save me should the opportunity arise.  Seriously, I’ve seen the movies.  Who wants to survive that?  Do you honestly want to live in a world with no running water or electricity, eating beans out of a can and running from bands of crazed cannibals?  No thanks.  I’ll go out with the nuke please.

I did spend some time thinking about the end of the world as I was going to sleep.  I don’t get into the predictions, but I do believe that God wants us to live as if every day was our last.  I was thinking through my life and contemplating any unfinished business I may have. 

Ultimately, I fell asleep.  But in the middle of the night I awoke in the middle of a vivid dream about confronting our adoption agency.  Then I spent about 30 minutes going over the dream and coming up with more things I would say to them if given another opportunity.  Apparently this is my unfinished business. 

I think the latest obsession comes from some phone conversations with another mom about her families’ issues with One World and then also I’ve started organizing all the photos of the children to put in storage.  I am sad because I so want to be over it.  I desperately want to forgive and move on.  I don’t want this bitterness to take root.   At the same time, it’s necessary to stay in the fight.  I truly think God is uniquely using me to advocate for other families and children, to educate people and to encourage change.  I love it, and I’m grateful for the privilege.  But it’s hard to re-live the drama over and over again.

I ended up being able to sleep once I started praying.  I may not be able to quite reach forgiveness and freedom yet, but I can pray for it.  God has his work cut out in softening my heart.

While it would have been nice to wake up this morning in the presence of Jesus, the Lord has other plans.  There’s still work to be done and so we are still here.